Falling in love and finding commitment are one of the most beautiful experiences of life. However, true reciprocation doesn’t come across as easily as it used to be. With advent of e-dating sites and facebook, people are quickly getting involved. Without realizing one’s responsibilities, the required dedication gets missed.
Nobody has time and patience to clear the misunderstanding and make the relationship work. The consequences are boredom, complaints, frequent quarrels and eventually break up.
Breaking up with someone you once loved
Breaking up is hard to do. Ending a relationship with someone you loved is even more painful. Nina, 24, a self-employed architect, was repeatedly going through break ups. She was shattered. Unable to cope, she sought the services of a counselor, and realized that the problem lay inside her. Her self-concept was closely tied to her business-oriented mother, and the expectations held for her Ex were similar as those for her father. This self awareness made Nina more mature and wise. Impartial introspection of reasons to break up will only help you in the long run.
Stages of a breakup
You will get through this, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. Grief moves in stages – it has a beginning, middle, and an end phase. It might help to know where you are in the process. In the beginning, you may feel in shock, denial or numb. It may be hard for you to believe what has happened. It may be hard to make sense of it all.
For example, even though you may be really upset, you may not have fully accepted that the relationship is over. Deep down you may be waiting for her or him to come back. (People do this even after a death, it’s normal.) This period of disbelief or shock is the body’s natural protection against pain. At this stage, you may have trouble remembering things, focusing, and feeling a sense of purpose or direction – you may feel as though you are drifting through the day. This is a natural initial reaction to loss.
• The second stage of break up
This involves feeling fear, anger and depression. The stage often lasts the longest and can be filled with feelings of insecurity, panic, worry, crying, anger and depression Some people don’t allow themselves to feel, while others have trouble letting go of how they are feeling. In the beginning, you may think that you will always feel this way, but you won’t. Your feelings will pass. You’ll discover that the time between down periods increases. Too often with break ups, we don’t feel that we have the right to feel upset much longer than a few weeks when the truth is it usually takes longer. But, if you spent a number of years together, and the person was important to you, even if you’re the one doing the breaking up, you can still be grieving for approximately a year. Of course, with very long-term relationships, it can take even longer to get back on your feet but it is still possible to recover.
• The third stage of break up
This is the stage where you begin to accept that the relationship is over, and that you’re going to be OK. You realize that you haven’t thought about your ex-partner in a while, and that, without realizing it, you are moving on. You’ve gained back some of your zest for life, and are beginning to see a future ahead of you. Sometimes, the process involves a little movement forward and a little back. This is OK and perfectly normal – after all, you need to get used to your forward steps and occasionally may need the comfort of what you were feeling before. You begin to notice that you’re feeling better and that you are ready to trust again, or at least to try. Try not to lose faith if you fall back into a funk – each time that you feel better will have an accumulative effect.Grief comes in waves – up and down.
Filling your life with activities that you enjoy – creative, playful, sociable, soulful activities – are all ways to nurture yourself back to health. Break up can feel unbearably hard and so permanent. Let yourself know that you won’t always feel this way and in the meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.
How to get over a breakup
Getting over a break up is a painful process irrespective of whose fault it was. You can alleviate much of the suffering post breakup – if you can bring the following facts to your consciousness :
Feeling like you’re starting again:
You may feel like you’re starting again – that you’ve lost everything that was important to you and you’re not sure what to do any more. It may be hard for you to imagine your life without your partner – your lives have been so intertwined. Let yourself know that you will get through this break up.
Having difficulty trusting again:
You may find yourself questioning whom you can trust, including your own judgment since you may not have expected the break up. You may begin to question how real your relationship was because if it was real, how could it be over?. Your ability to trust may feel shaky. You may feel alone and abandoned, even if you’re the one who decided to leave. While it takes time, you can rebuild trust in yourself and others again. Even though this relationship is over it doesn’t mean that you were wrong to trust her or him, and even if you were, it doesn’t mean that you’ll make that mistake again. You can learn from this break up.
Having an identity crisis:
You may experience an identity crisis not knowing who you are any more without your partner. Not necessarily – because you didn’t have your own identity while in the relationship, but that your relationship had become part of that identity. This too will change and you will feel more secure in yourself again. Post break up don’t ever feel like a victim and never let Break up weaken you.
Break ups can hurt immensely and shake us to our very core. Break up can throw us right back to the feelings we had in our first relationships – the ones we had with our parents. If your relationship with your parents was difficult, lacking, or abusive, you may feel some of the feelings that you felt with them (even if you weren’t aware of them as a child). You may feel as though you are drowning in grief and feelings of abandonment. If you feel as though you are being punished or that the break up means that you are unlovable, or unworthy of love, you are probably triggered – those are messages, beliefs or feelings that usually originate in childhood.
How to survive the triggers:
It is really important that you try to sort out which of your feelings, beliefs and responses belong to the present situation and which ones belong to the past. This is hard to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed but it can also help you to feel less overwhelmed. Separating past and present feelings will help you to attach less of your pain to the breakup and can help you to feel more hopeful about getting over this breakup because, maybe, you are not as upset about the break up as you thought.
- Ask yourself where your feelings are coming from, and notice what you become aware of, including later on in the day.
- Notice whether your feelings are familiar to you – whether you’ve felt this way before – and if so, remind yourself that some of your feelings are probably coming from the past.
- Spend time being aware of the past origins of your feelings if you know, them and if that’s not too overwhelming for you.
- Let yourself know that even if you don’t know where all of your feelings are coming from, it’s likely that some of how you are feeling is from the past.
Break up happens but that’s not the end of the world. Gather yourself and move on. A new sunrise is waiting for you if you are just willing to see it.